Here we are AGAIN!

Done it over again, and I wanted to believe, so much, that it wasn't going to happen......  I wanted to prove to those who said it would happen, that it wouldn't!!!! However it did, has, and I don't know that I can do this again.  I don't know that we will ever get it together.....even after all this time!! Coming up to 4 years, was our 4th Christmas together, our 4th New Year together, and yet it all just falls apart.

Am I ever going to be able to get it right for him to feel secure enough to stop behaving the way he does?? - Throwing tantrums and hurt the minute things aren't suiting him!!  I want to see just for once that this person loves me the way he claims to, that it isn't about meeting his needs and pushing mine aside, saying that I am not worth the effort.  And the thing is the effort wouldn't be a lot. A hug, a touch, a kind word, a kiss, a stroke down my back.  I will give it my all, I will give him a 110% effort for just a 95% effort from him.  However, it always comes back to what he can gain coming my way.

He can never come my way - travel the distance unless there isn't something he needs to do, something he needs to pick up, or something he wants.  He won't just come visit, to help me out, when so often I help him out at his end, unless there isn't some form of payback.  I look back, read my journals, read messages sent over all this time, and it always does a full circle, leaving me thinking why???

I am not getting any younger, nor is he, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life tip-toeing around, always having my discussions before I discuss anything, thinking it through, rewording, redoing the conversation until I think I have removed any words, any sentences, any inflections that may illicit an angry or defensive response.  Always thinking through or doing anything that avoids any conflict.  I self-censor my conversations before I have them for fear of what can be taken to pieces and ripped apart so I am left bereft and empty because once again I am convinced I am an idiot who knows nothing about whatever we discuss or are doing.

I have been trying to get started on reno's of my home, however any time I suggested me doing it, the response would be "wait until I get there, you will mess it up, or waste money that you don't need to waste cause you won't get the right item, right paint, wrong brushes, wrong product, wrong nails, oh the list goes on..........   What hurts more than anything though is that I want to show others that the occasional good that I see is there, and that he isn't going to let me down THIS TIME!!  

Instead I end up looking silly, cause yet again I am left hurt and he has left - letting me down AGAIN!!  Think it's time for me to wise up, maybe he loves me however what he considers is showing love, and what I consider are as different as chalk and cheese...... No amount of loving is going to change this situation, and its time to stop bashing my head on the wall, and walk away, before there is nothing left of me, no self esteem, and I have just aged from the experience.  Will always love him, however it is an endless circle that stays the same with moments of lucidity........just not worth the heartache anymore!!!                                                                


Comments

  1. There is a point in your life when you have to start making solid smart decisions and stick to them. That is when you know you've become a healthy, responsible adult. You deserve a happy life.

    http://nyorkeratheart.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marie,
      I did it!!!! I found the strength to take the steps towards the right to a happy life!!
      Now I just gotta get past the significant's - anniversaries, birthdays etc etc...........

      Delete
  2. Thanks Marie,
    Think I am reaching that point, and I am finding in me a strength to get there to say NO MORE!!!

    ReplyDelete

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