Monday, May 26, 2014

A change of pace - life and my questions!!

Do you ever feel like you are marking time?  Do you ever feel like you are holding your breath, or just waiting?

Waiting for something significant to happen, to allow you to feel complete!! I feel like my life is just a series of "waiting's", like I am waiting for lawyers to sort things out for my home to progress.
I am waiting for the moment when the "someone" in my life will finally feel to me like he is a part of my life.
When will I let the walls down and feel comfortable enough to let him spend more time in my home?  What is the signal that says "yes this is the one"?
I am waiting, meandering through life never feeling like I am really in touch with life and what it is that I am meant to do, meant to be?  I am marking time feeling like "when this happens I will do, or I will be" "Tomorrow when I have a moment I will" be/do ...  
Is it just me? Am I the only one who feels like I am marking time? Is this all there is or am I doing something wrong?
Why is it everyone else's life appears to be happy - they have a purpose! Why don't I feel like that?  What am I missing, why am I holding my breath?  Why do I wake up every day and then get to the end of the day thinking - "is that it"?? 
I really do wonder what it is that I am supposed to be doing with this life!!  I keep just thinking I'm missing something... a purpose!! 
I was raised with religion shoved down my throat, not just any religion tho - it was a religion that you didn't just go to church once a week, you went to church almost every day.  It was all about "you were put on this planet to do something before you go on to the next life  That when you get to the other side your whole life the sum of what you did or who you were impacts on where you will be." 
So I wander through life feeling like I am holding my breath and wondering when I am finally going to stop feeling like a fraud, and stop marking time. 
Is there a reason, will I ever be happy like others around me??  
What is it that will finally make me stop feeling like I am "JUST"! 
Do I hold off allowing someone fully in to my life, whilst I wait?? But what is it that I am really waiting for? God I hate this whole head space!!

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Sinking Home - is there a lesson to be learnt?

So if anyone wonders who I am, I am the lady mentioned in this broadcast.  Should I share it? I don't know - but there has to a be a lesson here for others. Click on the words and you will see my story.
A lesson to be learnt?!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Emotions, saying goodbye, so hard.

How do you finally say goodbye to someone you have loved like no other? How do you resolve the hurt within? When does it stop hurting?

I sit here wondering, does he ever think of me? What's going on in his life, does he miss me just a little? How do I ever stop caring? When does the gnawing pit in my stomach go?

I know I will never love someone the way I loved him. How could I? After all I allowed so much more in this relationship, I justified bad behaviour in this relationship because I believed that one day he would love me as much as I loved him.

I feel like I am living in limbo. Like my life is not my own; waiting for something else to "happen" - trouble is I don't know what it is I'm waiting for. Like a penny to drop. will it bring with it that crazy headlong rush through life? It feels like I am just waiting! And whilst waiting, I think of him my mind goes to what he is doing. Why do I still do it?

I have tried & tried to let go, to stop feeling, to stop waking up with that hollow in my heart & my stomach. That gnawing loss that brings me to tears just thinking about him & thinking about us. I ache for all we have lost & I ache to have him hold me. I KNOW it's useless & that I should move on. I have tried so hard to do that. I just miss him so so MUCH. I just have 5 minutes of quiet time & my heart & head goes to him. I wonder how he is, I wonder what he is doing, and then I know AGAIN how much I love him. I KNOW we can't go back I can't feel his arms around me, can't have him hold me, I know that we both need to move on but I KNOW TOO I can NEVER love someone the way I love him. And then I think I might be better alone than put up with someone I don't REALLY love!

That's it, that's how I feel & that's what I battle with the minute I stop & let him back in to my heart & head! I try & push myself to keep going so I don't stop & think but I can't keep going 24 hrs a day. And then I fall apart again.

It's coming up to 5 yrs. when will it stop hurting?

How do I ever resolve the way I feel about him?

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Done in AGAIN

He did it again! He is a grown man, yet still a boy in his actions!!

When is enough - ENOUGH!! When do I say NO MORE?!?!

How Do You Wish Happiness When You Hurt?!

I am going through this questioning time when I think How Do I Wish Happiness? 

Yet all I feel is pain? How can I say to the person that I have loved for so long that I wish Karma for him? How do I say goodbye without bitterness, hurt, anger, yet knowing deep down I love him, in a way I know I will always have a certain spot for him. That even with the things that have passed between us, the words said in hurt that have been said when I have wanted to hit out to get a reaction, to gain something more than his silent anger. His silences hurt more than his words of retaliation. You can fight or put up valid points to defend yourself against accusations when the person you are trying to sort it out with actually communicates! Silence gives you nowhere to go, gives you nothing to say and no way to fight it. It destroys relationships because with silence, comes the other person filling in the gaps, and sometimes the filling it in is done in an assumptive way, and that is just damn destructive!!!
So how do I? How do I let you go, how do I let out the feelings without them becoming destructive to myself, or to others? How do I move on?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Why do I stay STUCK?

I so, so want to move on! I want to start working on my house however I have no energy & no oomph to do it!
I walk into the front bedroom & straight away I'm falling over boxes of craft etc!! I can't seem to find the energy yet if I ever want to sell I need to get things done!!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Here we are AGAIN!

Done it over again, and I wanted to believe, so much, that it wasn't going to happen......  I wanted to prove to those who said it would happen, that it wouldn't!!!! However it did, has, and I don't know that I can do this again.  I don't know that we will ever get it together.....even after all this time!! Coming up to 4 years, was our 4th Christmas together, our 4th New Year together, and yet it all just falls apart.

Am I ever going to be able to get it right for him to feel secure enough to stop behaving the way he does?? - Throwing tantrums and hurt the minute things aren't suiting him!!  I want to see just for once that this person loves me the way he claims to, that it isn't about meeting his needs and pushing mine aside, saying that I am not worth the effort.  And the thing is the effort wouldn't be a lot. A hug, a touch, a kind word, a kiss, a stroke down my back.  I will give it my all, I will give him a 110% effort for just a 95% effort from him.  However, it always comes back to what he can gain coming my way.

He can never come my way - travel the distance unless there isn't something he needs to do, something he needs to pick up, or something he wants.  He won't just come visit, to help me out, when so often I help him out at his end, unless there isn't some form of payback.  I look back, read my journals, read messages sent over all this time, and it always does a full circle, leaving me thinking why???

I am not getting any younger, nor is he, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life tip-toeing around, always having my discussions before I discuss anything, thinking it through, rewording, redoing the conversation until I think I have removed any words, any sentences, any inflections that may illicit an angry or defensive response.  Always thinking through or doing anything that avoids any conflict.  I self-censor my conversations before I have them for fear of what can be taken to pieces and ripped apart so I am left bereft and empty because once again I am convinced I am an idiot who knows nothing about whatever we discuss or are doing.

I have been trying to get started on reno's of my home, however any time I suggested me doing it, the response would be "wait until I get there, you will mess it up, or waste money that you don't need to waste cause you won't get the right item, right paint, wrong brushes, wrong product, wrong nails, oh the list goes on..........   What hurts more than anything though is that I want to show others that the occasional good that I see is there, and that he isn't going to let me down THIS TIME!!  

Instead I end up looking silly, cause yet again I am left hurt and he has left - letting me down AGAIN!!  Think it's time for me to wise up, maybe he loves me however what he considers is showing love, and what I consider are as different as chalk and cheese...... No amount of loving is going to change this situation, and its time to stop bashing my head on the wall, and walk away, before there is nothing left of me, no self esteem, and I have just aged from the experience.  Will always love him, however it is an endless circle that stays the same with moments of lucidity........just not worth the heartache anymore!!!